


I'm Still Here

by CherryFreckles23



Series: Songs Stuck In Her Head [7]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Meditation, Music prompt, deeper contemplation, inner peace, little bit of squabbling, little of fluff, song inspirations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 04:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8518369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryFreckles23/pseuds/CherryFreckles23
Summary: Loki is unsettled. After his encounter with Darcy's inner mind and learning of her dwelling darkness, he's reminded of his own. The one question he's been seeking an answer to for so long, and it still won't come to him.Maybe Darcy can help?





	

**Author's Note:**

> *Waves white flag*  
> I'm so sorry this took me MONTHS to finally post! I've been wanting to finish this and share for the longest time!  
> Ever since I started "Songs Stuck in Her Head" this has been a chapter I've been planning on sharing. This song just seemed to belong to Loki.
> 
> My last update for "Songs Stuck in Her Head" was surprisingly well received. A lot of you expressed your gratitude for it and I just wanted you all to know that it made me really happy. I'm always worried about trying to touch on subjects that I'm not fully comprehensive about and upsetting someone. My goal is never to upset (except with intentional evil cliff hangers but that's different all together.) My hope is that this chapter will also reach out to those of you looking for answers about yourself. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> P.S. I cram-wrote this chapter until just about midnight last night. So there are a LOT of mistakes. I've cleaned up the big ugly ones this morning, but let me know where I missed anything.

_I'm Still Here_ \- Inspired by the song ' _I'm Still Here'_ from Disney's  _'Treasure Planet'_ performed by John Rzeznik

 

No one questioned their sudden episode of nightmares. The majority of the Tower residents had been through living nightmares in their fights to protect the Earth. The ones that put on armour, weapons, and a brave face all shrugged it off thinking it to be backlash.

Only Jane and Pepper felt unbalanced from falling into darkness, and then suddenly leaving it.

Darcy remained oblivious to the fact that she’d been the cause. Loki intended to keep it that way.

As the days continued on Loki kept himself from interacting with the others, particularly Darcy.

The conversation he’d had with her Courage left him unsettled.

What was only supposed to be a means of entertainment and educational prodding had crashed back on him. There was no feeling of intrigue, no feeling of burning desire. All that filled his mind was irritation.

When he’d had time to think Loki realized his own sense of self was being lost in his pursuit of fun with Darcy. He’d let himself forget.

When he was teasing Darcy he’d lost sight of who he was.

Laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling Loki felt that single growing question float to the front of his mind, _’Who am I?'_

That was the question. The single point of concentrated frustration that had consumed his life.

He didn’t find the answer when he became the rightful King of Asgard. He didn’t find the answer as he drifted endlessly through space. He certainly didn’t find the answer while locked away; first by Thanos then by the All-Father. It was impossible that he could find the answer while on probation on Earth.

’ _You haven’t really tried yet.’_

Loki’s lips pursed together. Turning his head to glare in the direction of Darcy’s room Loki growled in his thoughts, _’Leave my mind mortal.’_

 _‘Dude. You were brain screaming at the top of your mental lungs. Kind of hard to focus on anything else.’_ A gentle touch, similar to a warm cloth seemed to fall over his mind.

In his anger at himself he must have lost his internal shields. Loki’s anger still buzzed beneath the comfort Darcy was offering. It demanded he force her out and return to his contemplation. _’Remove yourself or you will be removed girl._ ’

_‘If you’d calm your mental tits for a second I’ll give you a suggestion on how to find your answer.’_

When he didn’t respond or push her out Darcy took that to mean she could continue. _’The whole reason Natasha and Bruce started me on meditation was to help me keep my anxiety under control. They’re whole quiet and zen thing didn’t work for me. But when I brought music into it and started using daydreams, I found I was able to focus a lot easier. It really helped me figure out some stuff too.’_

Sighing Loki grumbled, _’What makes you believe your Midgardian noise will help me exactly? If you haven’t realized yet I’m a master of Meditation. Meditation will not yield the answer.’_

 _‘Nooooo, you’ve just been meditating. I’m talking about day dreaming. You know, using your imagination.’_ Darcy dragged out the word in a whimsical tone that made Loki’s eye twitch.

_’Never do that again.’_

_‘Do what? Quote Classic Spongebob?’_

_‘Whatever nonsense that is, yes.’_

_‘Kill joy. Do you want to try or not?’_

_‘Will you leave me be if I do?’_

Despite the walls; Loki could feel Darcy squinting at him suspiciously, _'You can just kick me out if I’m bothering you. Or can you Mr. Master of Meditation?’_

Rolling his eyes both physically and mentally Loki snapped, _’I’ve been in your tiny mind enough times now to know you will just come to my room in person if I removed you. I’m in no mood to deal with you in person.’_

There was a pause where Loki imagined Darcy to be smirking. _’Do you need any help or you good for a place and soundtrack?’_

His mouth pursing Loki had to admit he was at a loss. Day dreaming was something he’d done only as a child. As he grew older and fell into his studies he’d used his free thinking to scheme and construct pranks, spells and traps.

Even when he’d taken the initiative with Darcy to issue his challenge; that had all been planned, not fantasized. Unsure of how to proceed he went with a tactile approach, _’And just what would you suggest Mistress of Day Dreams?’_

 _‘I hear that sarcasm on that title Smartass. Do you have a room in your head you’re using?’_ Even with the odd wording Loki knew what she was asking. She was asking for permission to enter his mind, to a part of it that would be free of any secrets he wanted to keep from her.

The warmth she’d offered to his agitated psyche felt as though it had settled into a deeper recess. Recalling the surge of fond memories of his youth that her energy had pulled from his darkness Loki made a decision. He would trust Darcy in his mind, a small portion of it, but still a private piece of him.

Settling himself on his bed Loki closed his eyes and opened the door to his mind. As he fell into a specific room he pulled on the connection Darcy had been using to speak with him.

\----- ---- ~~~~

Opening his metaphysical eyes he found Darcy in his arms. Her eyes were closed, but her hands clutched to the fabric of his plain green tunic. As he was the master of this domain he could freely choose her appearance. With this being a relatively serious matter and not one driven by lust Loki chose an amethyst sundress for Darcy. The light material hung from curves in a flattering way. Calm and at peace, not teasing him, or pestering him she was still an attractive woman.

Her brows scrunched together at the same moment she took in a deep breathe.

Her eyes fluttered open and immediately focused on his face. Coming to full consciousness she grumbled, “A little warning would have been nice. Pretty sure my real body face planted on the floor.”

Loki couldn’t resist a smile at that mental image. Darcy glared, “Yea whatever laugh it up. Want to put me down while you’re at it?”

Reluctantly he complied and let her stand on her own. He could have denied the request just to tease her, but his heart wasn’t in it. A small voice that resided in a different part of his mind whispered the wretched truth. He was craving physical contact. Contact not given from the delivery of fists. Softer touches and comfort have long been cut out of his grasp. Being able to hold Darcy so intimately caused a part of his mind to relax and his heart to warm.

Darcy made no comment about the sundress and chose to just accept it. (She’d never admit that she really liked it.) Turning in a circle to take in their surroundings she mused, “Intentional or coincidental that this is the same as the room in my head space that you put a lock on?”

“Neither. Anyone that is capable if meditation has this room within themselves. Some never find it, others find it from the start. In Midgardian terms, it’s the point of zen. When you reach the plateau of inner calm. It is also the most susceptible to manipulation.”

Grasping onto what he was saying Darcy smirked, “Which is why your spell locked me in my own zen room. So you could have an easier time manipulating it to the settings you wanted.”

“And also why I brought you to mine. You’re welcome to start at any time.”

Darcy tried not to let the impatience and colder tone in his voice rub her in the wrong way. She had to expect it, what with her basically forcing herself onto his mental territory. Instead she raised her eyebrows expectantly at him, “Well you’re gonna have to help me out here. I’ve never manipulated another person’s brain into my daydream vision of awesomeness. How did you do it in mine?”

His hands clasped behind his back Loki paced as he thought out loud, “It’s a matter of projection. When I was in your room I pictured what I wanted to exist and where I wanted it to be. The energy of the room took that visualization and made it material.”

One eyebrow raising higher than the other Darcy’s head tilted to the side, “Dude, that is basically all imagination is! See I just did it.” Exasperated with how much of an oblivious idiot Loki was being about this she pictured a stool and a dunce cap into the right hand corner of the room. The space shimmered for a minute, and as the image in her mind grew sharper an actual stool and dunce cap appeared.

Unimpressed with her choice of a first attempt Loki demanded, “Are you going to assist me or not woman?”

“Fine fine fine. Poof, it’s gone. Will it work if I want this to become a place outside rather than a room?….Oh, question answered itself.” What Darcy had in mind as she asked her question unfolded itself. The walls fell away into a cloudless night sky full of stars, a wide field full of wild flowers from all over the world, a single small hill covered in lush green grass that they now stood on. A fully inflated air mattress with an emerald green blanket lay next to Loki’s feet. On the other side of the mattress was an old fashioned radio with a built in iPod dock.

The serene setting caused Loki a brief moment of wonder. He could hear crickets chirping, he could feel a gentle breeze against his skin. Such was the depth of the illusion that he wished he could find such a place in the galaxy to escape to. He didn’t let any of these thoughts enter his voice as he asked Darcy in jest, “Bit of a secret romantic Ms. Lewis?”

“No poking fun at my Happy Place. I’m only sharing it with you because you’ll never leave your emo phase at the rate you’re going on your own. The song you’ll need is on the iPod. Go chill your boots.” She wouldn’t meet his eyes. Her gaze was stuck on the stars above them.

Feeling her need to leave and find this place within herself Loki gave a small nod. Reaching with his mind he found the connection that held her to this place and severed it. Darcy closed her eyes and faded into a pile of glittering sand that drifted on the breeze.

Tentatively lowering himself onto the air mattress he found it was more comfortable than he’d expected. He chose not to lay down but just to sit and wrap himself in the blanket. Bringing it closer to his face he breathed in a scent that was both different but familiar. It was the scent of freshly cleaned linen, although it wasn’t washed in the same soap used on Asgard; it still made him think of the times his Mother would spend an afternoon talking with the laundry women. She’d sit off to the side under the shade of a tree, laughing and sharing castle gossip. She only ever did this with these hard working women. He’d never gotten the chance to ask her why. Why did she spend her precious time with the women that worked beneath her?

Lowering the blanket Loki tried to dispel the memory. Reaching over to the radio he pressed the ‘play’ button. The opening notes settled around him much as his blanket, it wasn’t a song meant to lift his spirits. The set of lyrics seemed to pull his gaze up to the stars as he hung onto each word.

 _I am a question to the world_  
_Not an answer to be heard_  
_Or a moment that's held in your arms_

Since the moment he’d learned of his true lineage Loki had been unable to answer the simple question, “Who am I?”

When he asked his parents their answer was only, “My son.” He accepted this from Frigga, if only because she had been a true parent to him. Always a nurturing figure in his life that wanted only his happiness. Odin saw only fit to care for him as useful tool, a means to an end with the Frost Giants.

 _And what do you think you'd ever say_  
_I won't listen anyway_  
_You don't know me_  
_And I'll never be what you want me to be_

Of course he’d tried to be the dutiful son growing up. Being responsible for Thor when in the presence of their Father. He even tried to be a loving brother, keeping him alive and entertained with his tricks. It was never enough. Loki was always just the second son, the adopted child. So he’d expanded his pranks, cultured jealousy in the shadow of Thor’s brilliant light. He resented his father for belittling his preference for the magical arts and mastery of daggers.

 _And what do you think you'd understand_  
_I'm a boy - No, I'm a man_  
_You can't take me and throw me away_  
_And how can you learn what's never shown_  
_Yeah you stand here on your own_  
_They don't know me_  
_'Cause I'm not here_

Every mistake he’d made, every decision he’d thought to be the right one, all stemmed from the question, “Who am I?” Was he the adopted Frost Giant Prince of Jutennheim? Was he the brother of Thor, King of Asgard?

The stars winked and sparked in unconnected patterns. From their soft light a picture of himself came to mind.

 _And I want a moment to be real_  
_Wanna touch things I don't feel_  
_Wanna hold on and feel I belong_  
_And how can the world want me to change_  
_They're the ones that stay the same_  
_They don't know me_  
_'Cause I'm not here_

He’d experienced more horrors from the hands of Thanos than any man from Asgard could survive. When he gazed into a mirror his dark green eyes still held their plots, trickery and even a bit of humour. They were hardened jade with a light still inside.

He’d fought against his brother more than once and had even fought alongside him to avenge the death of their mother. When he looked upon his body he could recount how he’d obtained each scar on his pale skin.

Even now he was dealing with a new trial. He was being tested to see if he was worth releasing from prison. The All-Father wanted to prove that he was nothing more than a malleable blob of creation, that he could become the beloved prince figure once more. It wouldn’t happen. His heart burned still with resentment and loathing for the man that tried to claim him as a son, but intended to use him for deeds against his own will. His heart beat with determination, keeping him standing with his head held high and his mind ever sharp for opportunities.

 _And I wanna tell you who I am_  
_Can you help me be a man_  
_They can't break me_  
_As long as I know who I am_

Thinking of future opportunities brought Darcy to mind. The woman he’d sought to tempt and tease into being his entertainment. That goal had shifted when she met his challenges and raised the intensity of their meetings. She became someone he wanted to understand, someone he wanted to be able to hold freely without discretion. She was fun, comfort, and hidden moments of darkness wrapped into the shape of a woman. Neither had admitted to it, but he knew they were friends. It may have spawned from lust, but her ability to make him consider other options, to make him curious again, had created a bond that connected their souls.

 _They can't tell me who to be_  
_'Cause I'm not what they see_  
_Yeah, the world is still sleepin'_  
_While I keep on dreamin' for me_  
_And their words are just whispers and lies_  
_That I'll never believe_

The Avengers would never see him as anything other than an enemy. The All-Father would only ever see a Prince that had fallen into space and into madness. Loki didn’t know what Darcy saw but it didn’t seem to be a figure of destruction and chaos.

All these thoughts and emotions became clear and concise as the answer he’d been seeking finally revealed itself.

Rising to his feet Loki drew in as much air as possible, when the song ended he declared to himself and to the stars, “I am Loki Friggason. The Foresaken Child of Jotennheim and Fallen Prince of Asgard! The All-Father holds no claim to me! Thor Odinson holds no claim to me! I alone claim myself!”

His voice echoed back from the stars. With each reverberated syllable his heart beat harder in his chest. His confusion, anger, and self pity melted from his mind and fell away to the blades of grass beneath his feet.

Having no further need for this place Loki left back to his own body. Opening his eyes and looking to the clock near his bedside he found it was well into the night. He felt the need for sleep start to crawl through his mind now that it had calmed. Before he could fall into what promised to be a dreamless sleep he needed to move.

Focusing his small amount of magic he forced his body to teleport a few rooms over. He swayed from the surge of exhaustion and made himself slowly get under the covers of the bed he’d appeared next to. Darcy didn’t stir from her sleep as he pulled her back against his chest. Burying his face in her hair he closed his eyes, breathing in her scent he managed to mumbled, “Thank you.” Before passing out.

Had he stayed moment a second longer he would have heard Darcy’s whispered, “You’re welcome.”


End file.
